Crisp

This is my very favorite time of year.  This is the first time, however, that it's really snuck up on me.  My mind must have been occupied with other things.

Tomorrow I turn 29 for the first time.  Today, I revel in the warm, yet crisp, autumn air and admire the vividness of the change of season.  Autumn never sneaks up on the trees; they're never too busy to savor the shift in proximity to the sun.  The flora has an unhindered generosity in its willingness to slap us in the face with stunning hues that scream, "Pay attention!  The world is turning, and your Facebook friend count is really unimportant!  Come outside and play!"  Vibrant against a slate-grey sky, illuminated by the setting sun, Thomas Kincaid would weep at the inadequacy of his brushstrokes to capture God's perfect autumnal neon signs.  The air smells like pumpkins and caramel apples, macaroni and cheese and birthday shopping with Grandma.  The world looks like one last hurrah before winter.

It may be a symptom of my impending 30s, but it feels like time is gaining momentum.  What was a series of snapshots has become a timelapse, and I want to extend my gratitude to the trees for reminding me to stop and inhale the moment.  Lord, you do create unfathomable beauty.

Chronology

I recently found some time to upload all of my old digital photos from a long-dead computer onto the present computer, and was actually able to indulge and look through all of them.  ALL of them.  Some of those photos were from my first year of college, some from more recently, and all brought back a ton of memories.  I thought I would post a few, and the memories that go along with them.

 From my senior year ballroom dance performance.  I love dancing, and I love this guy.  He's getting married soon, and I'm so happy for him!

 At our college library, in the courtyard.  I just finished showing my mom the display I had made for the Slocum Award competition: a 2-case collection of Pirate books and objects.  It was pretty amazing, and afterwards my mom and I took silly pictures together.

 August 19, 2006.  I had my B'nei Mitzvah and became "fully Jewish" in the eyes of the Reform Jewish community.  I worked on it for about 6 months, which is about 1/4 of the time it normally takes. Granted, I was 23, not 13, but still.

 Sophomore year of college my girlfriends and I lived in a house together off campus.  We threw a Halloween/birthday party (3/4 of us had birthdays right around Halloween) and we dressed as Earth, Fire, Water and Air (from left-right).  It was an amazing night.

 My best friends from college.  We went to Disneyland a lot.  I was always the short one.  I miss them daily.

 My favorite shot from my trip to Israel.  We had just climbed to the top of Masada to watch the sun rise over the Dead Sea.  It was an amazing, unparalleled, unforgettable trip.

 My college girlfriends and I loved dressing up and would seek out occasions so that we could indulge. Sometimes we just made stuff up.  I don't remember what this was for, but I know we had a great time and looked fabulous.

 Our Senior Trip to Las Vegas.  Elyse made us all these avatars based on a comic Kaitie and I drew in Biology class, so I turned them into shirts.  I seriously miss those girls.

One year, for Halloween, we went as Barbies.  We had, from left-right, Wedding Day Barbie, Fairy Princess Barbie, Businesswoman Barbie, Rockstar Barbie, and Glamour Barbie.  I think we won the costume contest for group costume.

 At one of the many tea parties I've thrown over the years.  This must have been an early one, maybe 2002?  I've lost track...I've been doing it for 11 years now!

 During my study abroad in England, I joined the York Dancesport team.  I danced a Quickstep and got to dress like Belle.

 After study abroad, I went backpacking around Europe on my own.  I had a great time, but I would never let my daughter do this.  Venice was my favorite spot.

 Liz was studying in St Andrews when I was at York, so we did some traveling together.  I think we're in London on this one.

 One of my favorite things about being in Europe (besides the food), was the museums.  I went to every museum I could afford to get into.

 My pup, Zoe, up at my favorite place in all the world: our family home (the cabin) on Whidbey Island.

 I think this was the first tea party.

 We used to go out dancing/clubbing on a pretty regular basis.  This was in 2005 I think, for someone's birthday (June's maybe?).

We've been friends for a loooong time; longer than we've NOT been friends!  My grandma took us out to tea on the terrace of the Moana Surfrider in Waikiki.

I've never been good at putting pictures into albums, but it seems like such a waste for them to just sit on the computer.  I have thousands more, so many of which have stories that make me laugh and cry and miss and grateful.  There are some pictures that I probably wouldn't want my kids to see, but nothing I'd ever hide from them because the person I am today is a result of all of the events of those photos, and the person I am today is well loved.  The person I am today is the person I always hoped I would be.  I just didn't know it.

Contentment

I had to post something because every time I open my blog, my last post stares me in the face and makes me sad. Something *different* has to take its place.

 I grew up in Bellevue. That, in itself, is baggage. No, not merely baggage...Prada baggage. Coach baggage. Brand name, bought-at-full-price-on-Daddy's-Visa baggage. And when I got married, there wasn't room for that kind of baggage in our apartment, so off it went to storage. And now that we're settled, and I have everything I could possibly want out of life, I'm going through the things that were in storage, dusting them off, and trying to see where they fit in this life we're building.

 And my baggage wants back in. And I'm struggling. I miss being able to go to Nordstrom whenever I had a whim, treating myself to a new shirt or pair of shoes or whatever. I miss the teenage self that would spend money like crazy at the mall and come home with BAGS and BAGS of stuff. She was unencumbered by the guilt inherent in the knowledge that the $12 lip gloss could have paid for a (tiny, tiny) fraction of her daughter's college education. She wasn't shackled by budgets. She didn't even know how to coupon. She was free.

 But oh, so expensive. Because she bought the baggage, and now I drag it with me everywhere I go. Will someone teach me how to take this fancy, leather bundle of discontentment to the dump? Or at least Goodwill? I want to be happy with what I have, and stop comparing myself to other people. I want to love my home, not constantly seek to transform it into some deranged Martha Stewart project gone wrong. I want to focus my energy on loving and serving my family, not impressing strangers. 

How do you spring clean your heart in the summer of your life?

Inspiration

I recently read The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It moved me in so many ways: to laughter, to tears, to compassion, to empathy, to rage, to disgust, to deep, deep conviction, to love, to breathe, to write. The book was poetry and perspective, surface tension and darkness of depth. The book was my past in blood and my past in faith and my hope in future. It spoke of me, and played out dissonance I couldn't begin to articulate. What a moment of brilliance.

I miss writing. I miss it like I miss my father, with a dull ache that occasionally rises to an unbearable sharpness caught in the throat. I miss the inadequacy of words, the fumbling that miraculously results in beauty and brilliance. I miss the desperation, the drive to express what language can only stretch its fingers towards before it inevitably falls short.

This time of year is sharp, unceasingly on the edge of paranoia, seeing him in everything with a pain that the rest of the year is joyous nostalgia. This time of year is no more brownies with pecans, or horses in giftboxes, or grandchildren. It hurts, but hurts is not the word. Burns, tugs, weeps, regrets, longs, hopes beyond hope. What can you say, with words? You can't say tears, but you have to try. 186 years would still have been too short. Love you, Daddy.

Signs and wonders

Mikaelin is now 7.5 months old. Amazing! She has grown so much, but she is still a very happy baby nearly all of the time. Derek and I bought a house in April and have been slowly moving in and painting and all of the things that moving and new home ownership entail. It's a fun adventure, and we're really in love with this place. I'll post pictures once we get more painting done.

This past weekend, we took Mikaelin on her first road trip to Idaho to visit her family. She got to see her grandparents, her uncles, and even her great-grandparents. Her uncle Brian graduated high school, and we got to watch him give his Valedictorian address. Mikaelin was an absolute STAR. She did GREAT in the car both ways, slept well in a new environment in her pack and play, and was a delight to all. The only time she melted down was when we got home...and couldn't find her white noise machine. It's still in one of the boxes, and my task today is to find it. I'm amazed how something so small can make such a difference in quality of life. Mikaelin also came home with a cold, so we'll probably stay home today and have a chill day recovering.

In the meantime, here are some recent pictures!

Things I SWORE I would never do.

Motherhood has been a humbling experience. It has taught me many things, chief among them is the following:

Mother Does Not Necessarily Know Best.

Going into this, there is a whole list of things I swore that I, as a mother, would NEVER do, except as a VERY last resort. In nearly every circumstance, I have had to resort to these things, and they have made my life, and my daughter's life, infinitely better. For example:
-I swore I would NEVER have a c-section, unless mine or my baby's life depended on it. Well...her life depended on it, and I have absolutely no regrets. I have had to grieve the loss of the experience I really wanted, but that's a hell of a lot better than grieving the loss of my baby.

-I swore I would never use disposable diapers. When Mikaelin was born she was two pounds too little for the cloth diapers, so we started on disposables. Yes, we now use lots of cloth diapers, but every time she has a diaper rash, or we go out and about, or I put her down for the night, she's in disposables. They really are a lot easier than cloth. Should have kept the diaper genies we got at our baby shower, though...

-I swore I would never let her have a pacifier. I was warned about orthodontic issues, and nipple confusion, and a whole host of things. Fact of the matter is, she likes her binkie and it comforts her, especially when she's trying to sleep. And there's a ton of SIDS research that says sleeping with a binkie may prevent the unimaginable.

-I swore I would never let her "cry it out," that that method was inhumane and outdated and would never work for our special baby. Yet here we are, on night 3 of "cry it out" weekend, and she is doing pretty well. It SUCKS, but I'd do her a huge disservice if I never let her learn to fall (and stay) asleep on her own. That, and Derek and I were getting pretty miserably sleep deprived. Having to bounce her on the yoga ball for 45 minutes at 3am was Not Working.

Mikaelin is an amazing girl, and I love being her mommy. I love talking to other mommies about their amazing kids and what they have learned about what works for them and what doesn't. I love that every kid and every mom has ideas, and I get to choose what to try for my amazing daughter. It's a huge learning experience, and very humbling.

And on the eve of 5 months (!!), Mikaelin has learned so much! On Friday, she rolled over from tummy to back for the first (and second, and third...) time, and she is starting to sit up on her own for a few seconds at a time. She is smiling a lot, and even laughing sometimes (especially when Daddy does something funny), and she's "talking" up a storm. She likes to open and close her mouth like a trout without making any sounds =) She is most vocal and interactive on the changing table.

Mostly, she's just awesome.

Three Months Later...

Hard to believe my little, tiny, 6lb 7oz Mini is now almost 4 months old! Mikaelin is doing great, developing all kinds of skills and muscle control, and I couldn't be having more fun being her mom.

Here are some of the things Mikaelin has learned to do:

• Giggle! Mikaelin thinks it's really funny when her Daddy blows a raspberry on her tummy. While she smiles a LOT, giggles are much more rare. So far, she has only giggled at me, Dad, and Sarah when she made the Donald Duck noise =)
• Nap in her crib! Granted, each nap is exactly 30 minutes long, but it's still exciting for me. She's actually developing something like a routine, which makes my life easier just for the predictability aspect. She always wakes up cheerful with a huge grin, which makes every day awesome.
• Blow bubbles! Mikaelin is a pro at producing spit bubbles of many sizes.
• Hold her head up during tummy time! As you can see in the picture, she is a very strong girl. She stands up a lot, and marches with her strong legs. She still hasn't figured out how to turn over, but she'd rather stand than sit or lay down anyway.
• Eat without the shield! We're down to using the shield about 35% of the time now, which is a huge improvement.

Being Mikaelin's mom is awesome. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, happy baby. Poor bug has had a cold for the past 3 days and does NOT like having the snot sucked out of her nose, but she'll have to put up with it until she learns how to blow her nose (or hock loogies like her dad). Even though she sounds miserable (congestion, coughing, sneezing, hoarse voice, sniffles and snuffles), she's very happy most of the time...just don't bring the nasal aspirator within sight! Mom and Dad are both completely smitten!