Contentment

I had to post something because every time I open my blog, my last post stares me in the face and makes me sad. Something *different* has to take its place.

 I grew up in Bellevue. That, in itself, is baggage. No, not merely baggage...Prada baggage. Coach baggage. Brand name, bought-at-full-price-on-Daddy's-Visa baggage. And when I got married, there wasn't room for that kind of baggage in our apartment, so off it went to storage. And now that we're settled, and I have everything I could possibly want out of life, I'm going through the things that were in storage, dusting them off, and trying to see where they fit in this life we're building.

 And my baggage wants back in. And I'm struggling. I miss being able to go to Nordstrom whenever I had a whim, treating myself to a new shirt or pair of shoes or whatever. I miss the teenage self that would spend money like crazy at the mall and come home with BAGS and BAGS of stuff. She was unencumbered by the guilt inherent in the knowledge that the $12 lip gloss could have paid for a (tiny, tiny) fraction of her daughter's college education. She wasn't shackled by budgets. She didn't even know how to coupon. She was free.

 But oh, so expensive. Because she bought the baggage, and now I drag it with me everywhere I go. Will someone teach me how to take this fancy, leather bundle of discontentment to the dump? Or at least Goodwill? I want to be happy with what I have, and stop comparing myself to other people. I want to love my home, not constantly seek to transform it into some deranged Martha Stewart project gone wrong. I want to focus my energy on loving and serving my family, not impressing strangers. 

How do you spring clean your heart in the summer of your life?

Inspiration

I recently read The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It moved me in so many ways: to laughter, to tears, to compassion, to empathy, to rage, to disgust, to deep, deep conviction, to love, to breathe, to write. The book was poetry and perspective, surface tension and darkness of depth. The book was my past in blood and my past in faith and my hope in future. It spoke of me, and played out dissonance I couldn't begin to articulate. What a moment of brilliance.

I miss writing. I miss it like I miss my father, with a dull ache that occasionally rises to an unbearable sharpness caught in the throat. I miss the inadequacy of words, the fumbling that miraculously results in beauty and brilliance. I miss the desperation, the drive to express what language can only stretch its fingers towards before it inevitably falls short.

This time of year is sharp, unceasingly on the edge of paranoia, seeing him in everything with a pain that the rest of the year is joyous nostalgia. This time of year is no more brownies with pecans, or horses in giftboxes, or grandchildren. It hurts, but hurts is not the word. Burns, tugs, weeps, regrets, longs, hopes beyond hope. What can you say, with words? You can't say tears, but you have to try. 186 years would still have been too short. Love you, Daddy.

Signs and wonders

Mikaelin is now 7.5 months old. Amazing! She has grown so much, but she is still a very happy baby nearly all of the time. Derek and I bought a house in April and have been slowly moving in and painting and all of the things that moving and new home ownership entail. It's a fun adventure, and we're really in love with this place. I'll post pictures once we get more painting done.

This past weekend, we took Mikaelin on her first road trip to Idaho to visit her family. She got to see her grandparents, her uncles, and even her great-grandparents. Her uncle Brian graduated high school, and we got to watch him give his Valedictorian address. Mikaelin was an absolute STAR. She did GREAT in the car both ways, slept well in a new environment in her pack and play, and was a delight to all. The only time she melted down was when we got home...and couldn't find her white noise machine. It's still in one of the boxes, and my task today is to find it. I'm amazed how something so small can make such a difference in quality of life. Mikaelin also came home with a cold, so we'll probably stay home today and have a chill day recovering.

In the meantime, here are some recent pictures!

Things I SWORE I would never do.

Motherhood has been a humbling experience. It has taught me many things, chief among them is the following:

Mother Does Not Necessarily Know Best.

Going into this, there is a whole list of things I swore that I, as a mother, would NEVER do, except as a VERY last resort. In nearly every circumstance, I have had to resort to these things, and they have made my life, and my daughter's life, infinitely better. For example:
-I swore I would NEVER have a c-section, unless mine or my baby's life depended on it. Well...her life depended on it, and I have absolutely no regrets. I have had to grieve the loss of the experience I really wanted, but that's a hell of a lot better than grieving the loss of my baby.

-I swore I would never use disposable diapers. When Mikaelin was born she was two pounds too little for the cloth diapers, so we started on disposables. Yes, we now use lots of cloth diapers, but every time she has a diaper rash, or we go out and about, or I put her down for the night, she's in disposables. They really are a lot easier than cloth. Should have kept the diaper genies we got at our baby shower, though...

-I swore I would never let her have a pacifier. I was warned about orthodontic issues, and nipple confusion, and a whole host of things. Fact of the matter is, she likes her binkie and it comforts her, especially when she's trying to sleep. And there's a ton of SIDS research that says sleeping with a binkie may prevent the unimaginable.

-I swore I would never let her "cry it out," that that method was inhumane and outdated and would never work for our special baby. Yet here we are, on night 3 of "cry it out" weekend, and she is doing pretty well. It SUCKS, but I'd do her a huge disservice if I never let her learn to fall (and stay) asleep on her own. That, and Derek and I were getting pretty miserably sleep deprived. Having to bounce her on the yoga ball for 45 minutes at 3am was Not Working.

Mikaelin is an amazing girl, and I love being her mommy. I love talking to other mommies about their amazing kids and what they have learned about what works for them and what doesn't. I love that every kid and every mom has ideas, and I get to choose what to try for my amazing daughter. It's a huge learning experience, and very humbling.

And on the eve of 5 months (!!), Mikaelin has learned so much! On Friday, she rolled over from tummy to back for the first (and second, and third...) time, and she is starting to sit up on her own for a few seconds at a time. She is smiling a lot, and even laughing sometimes (especially when Daddy does something funny), and she's "talking" up a storm. She likes to open and close her mouth like a trout without making any sounds =) She is most vocal and interactive on the changing table.

Mostly, she's just awesome.

Three Months Later...

Hard to believe my little, tiny, 6lb 7oz Mini is now almost 4 months old! Mikaelin is doing great, developing all kinds of skills and muscle control, and I couldn't be having more fun being her mom.

Here are some of the things Mikaelin has learned to do:

• Giggle! Mikaelin thinks it's really funny when her Daddy blows a raspberry on her tummy. While she smiles a LOT, giggles are much more rare. So far, she has only giggled at me, Dad, and Sarah when she made the Donald Duck noise =)
• Nap in her crib! Granted, each nap is exactly 30 minutes long, but it's still exciting for me. She's actually developing something like a routine, which makes my life easier just for the predictability aspect. She always wakes up cheerful with a huge grin, which makes every day awesome.
• Blow bubbles! Mikaelin is a pro at producing spit bubbles of many sizes.
• Hold her head up during tummy time! As you can see in the picture, she is a very strong girl. She stands up a lot, and marches with her strong legs. She still hasn't figured out how to turn over, but she'd rather stand than sit or lay down anyway.
• Eat without the shield! We're down to using the shield about 35% of the time now, which is a huge improvement.

Being Mikaelin's mom is awesome. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, happy baby. Poor bug has had a cold for the past 3 days and does NOT like having the snot sucked out of her nose, but she'll have to put up with it until she learns how to blow her nose (or hock loogies like her dad). Even though she sounds miserable (congestion, coughing, sneezing, hoarse voice, sniffles and snuffles), she's very happy most of the time...just don't bring the nasal aspirator within sight! Mom and Dad are both completely smitten!

Motherhood

Being a mom is at the same time everything and nothing like I expected. I knew there would be sleepless nights, but I didn't know that it would be easy to get up and feed my hungry daughter. I knew there would be diapers, but I didn't know there would be SO MANY. I knew she would cry and I would console her, I just didn't know it would be so often and would make my nipples so sore. I knew she would be beautiful, but I didn't know she would take my breath away when she smiled.

I am so grateful to God for entrusting us with this beautiful girl. Our family makes me so much happier than I ever though it would be possible to be. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the things that make me so ridiculously, overwhelmingly fulfilled: a relationship with you, an amazing husband, and a beautiful family. I don't deserve the grace you've shown, which makes me all the more grateful that you continue to show it to me.

Impending parenthood

It has been very difficult to wait patiently. Baby has stubbornly thus far refused to come out...and who can blame her? While she's in there, she gets carried around, everything is warm and soothing, she's fed when she needs it and gets rocked, laughed, and sung to all the time. She doesn't have to worry about anything, nothing is cold or bright or scary, nobody wants to harm her, and she's so wrapped in love it's tangible. I wouldn't want to come out either. It's really too bad for her that she'll outgrow it.

Sometimes I picture my Savior's love like a womb; warm, embracing, safe, nurturing, close to the heart of my God and the center of someone's universe. I feel completely enveloped, and hear the muted heartbeat and voices of the ones who love me most. The womb of my Savior's love is not one that I could ever outgrow, though, and that's a comforting thought.

As parenthood rapidly approaches (we're being induced tomorrow morning, super early), I want to provide for our daughter an earthly reflection of the way my God loves me. I want her to feel so wrapped in love, it's tangible, and for her to know my heart even if she no longer hears the whoosh-whoosh of it all the time. I want her to feel safe with us, nurtured and warm, and for her to feel like she could never outgrow our love for her. I want her to look at us and see God's love reflected...not perfectly, but as children of God ourselves.

But mostly I'm just so darn excited to meet her tomorrow!