Anticipation

I'll be honest, I've had mixed emotions this entire pregnancy.  I've WANTED the baby the whole time, I've just also been scared witless and hugely anxious since before the test even came back positive.  Now, heading into 35 weeks, I'm just really, really excited.

Ever since my dear friend (and two acquaintances at the same time) lost their sons at about 20-24 weeks gestation, I've been terrified of being pregnant.  And having a boy.  And everything else that's even remotely similar about our situations (age, geographic location, etc).  Every pain, twinge, discomfort, new sensation, would send me into a whirlwind of anxiety and fear.  Not because I was afraid of experiencing the pain of loss; I've been there before with my dad (though I know it's not the same thing).  I don't know why.  But an amazingly Godly woman pointed out that being anxious about the "what if's" robs the certainties of their strength and joy.  I am not certain that this pregnancy will play out like a fairy tale, but I am certain that I have an amazing husband and two-and-a-half-year-old who love and rely on me to be in the present moment with all of myself.  Just in this moment, God reminded me of many things:

• I am loved by Him and held tight in His promises.  This does not mean I will not endure great suffering, but it does mean I will not endure suffering alone and without support unless I choose that idiotic route.
• Babies (and kids and adults) die.  Knowing this reality has caused alternating anxiety and appreciation for the time we're given on Earth together.  The anxiety is sinful, and the appreciation glorifies the God who has given us this time as a gift to steward well.
• Being anxious and fearful robs me of my strength and joy and creates an ugliness that I can only blame on myself.  I don't want to blame that on myself, so I will choose joy.  Over and over and over, because the alternative SUCKS.
• Anxiety and depression during pregnancy are NORMAL, often caused by hormones, and I need to allow myself grace...but not excuses.  I need to assess every moment when I am feeling down and ask God to help me out of it.
• Every baby is a blessing, even the ones we don't get to keep.  They just get to be a blessing to the God who created them, and be in His presence more than ours (physically).  We still get to meet them, and spend eternity with them praising God, and I am grateful beyond words for that promise.

Now, I am choosing anticipation and excitement over anxiety.  There are still a million things that could go wrong, but God is in control of all of them and He can (and will) use everything for His glory and our good.  That is something I can rest in during the dark days.  That is a source of deep, profound joy.