Motherhood

Being a mom is at the same time everything and nothing like I expected. I knew there would be sleepless nights, but I didn't know that it would be easy to get up and feed my hungry daughter. I knew there would be diapers, but I didn't know there would be SO MANY. I knew she would cry and I would console her, I just didn't know it would be so often and would make my nipples so sore. I knew she would be beautiful, but I didn't know she would take my breath away when she smiled.

I am so grateful to God for entrusting us with this beautiful girl. Our family makes me so much happier than I ever though it would be possible to be. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the things that make me so ridiculously, overwhelmingly fulfilled: a relationship with you, an amazing husband, and a beautiful family. I don't deserve the grace you've shown, which makes me all the more grateful that you continue to show it to me.

Impending parenthood

It has been very difficult to wait patiently. Baby has stubbornly thus far refused to come out...and who can blame her? While she's in there, she gets carried around, everything is warm and soothing, she's fed when she needs it and gets rocked, laughed, and sung to all the time. She doesn't have to worry about anything, nothing is cold or bright or scary, nobody wants to harm her, and she's so wrapped in love it's tangible. I wouldn't want to come out either. It's really too bad for her that she'll outgrow it.

Sometimes I picture my Savior's love like a womb; warm, embracing, safe, nurturing, close to the heart of my God and the center of someone's universe. I feel completely enveloped, and hear the muted heartbeat and voices of the ones who love me most. The womb of my Savior's love is not one that I could ever outgrow, though, and that's a comforting thought.

As parenthood rapidly approaches (we're being induced tomorrow morning, super early), I want to provide for our daughter an earthly reflection of the way my God loves me. I want her to feel so wrapped in love, it's tangible, and for her to know my heart even if she no longer hears the whoosh-whoosh of it all the time. I want her to feel safe with us, nurtured and warm, and for her to feel like she could never outgrow our love for her. I want her to look at us and see God's love reflected...not perfectly, but as children of God ourselves.

But mostly I'm just so darn excited to meet her tomorrow!

The Belly

I have thus far managed to avoid having my picture taken very much while pregnant; except for baby shower photos, there isn't much documentation that this summer has consisted of me being barefoot and pregnant =) So...I decided to ask Alicia, my brother's fiancee, to take some pictures of me, Derek and The Belly. I then had a lot of fun playing with the photo features on our Mac =)

Enjoy!

We are so excited to meet the daughter! Hoping she comes soon =)

Idolatrous Food

I've struggled with my weight since high school. I think the main reason is that I'm just not active enough to burn off the foods I like to eat. I don't necessarily eat a ton of calories, but my metabolism isn't all that active and I have a perpetual sweet tooth. I also have a hard time gauging when I'm "full." I have always had a difficult time digesting saturated fats, and this came to a breaking point in college when I went through a season of depression and major digestive tract issues. I decided to give up meat (except for fish) and limit my saturated fats intake in the hope that my digestive abnormalities would settle down.

The summer after I graduated college, I put myself on a pretty restrictive pescetarian diet and cut way back on saturated fats. Over the next 8 months or so, I dropped nearly 20 lbs and felt healthier than I had in literally years. I ate organic, minimally-processed foods, limited my caloric intake to what I realistically needed, and still went out on occasion with my friends and indulged my sweet tooth.

Some days, I had a good balance; some days, it bordered on obsessive.

Now, 32.5 weeks into our first pregnancy, the Dr. tells me that I've gained about all the weight I need to gain and I should try not to gain any more, beyond maybe 1-2 lbs. I look in the mirror and see the excess on my upper arms, my thighs, my face, hips and butt...I've gained 28 lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy, and while I keep hearing from people, "wow, you don't look like you've gained anything!"...I can see it. And I know Derek can, too, though he's been wonderful about it.

To be honest, I was pretty okay with the weight I've gained until this Dr. appointment. I mean, I'm not ecstatic about the extra chub I'm lugging around, but I'm also not too worried about being able to lose it post-delivery between breastfeeding, being able to exercise again, and mom's group activities. Now, however...I can feel the obsession with healthy eating rearing its ugly head. I can feel the strong desire to make rules, lists, and some sense of order so that I can comply with Dr's orders and keep me (and baby) healthy. Sometimes it's hard to look at the healthy lifestyle I used to lead and compare it to how easy my life is now...I used to have to plan, cook, carefully consider what I put into my body; now I just eat what looks/sounds good.

I need to rediscover that healthy balance. And I can't do it alone.

I'm thinking that three rules will help. Three is a number I can remember and stick to, and it doesn't feel like obsession with food will take over my life.

1. No high-fructose corn syrup or hydrogenated oils: this one rule will eliminate a lot of the processed foods that I know are bad for me and contribute to a lot of my mental/emotional stability issues.

2. 35% or less calories from fat for the majority of the foods I eat: this will help me cut back on saturated fats as well as making sure I don't eliminate fats all together. When I stuck to this rule before, I felt fantastic.

3. Make meals that create delicious leftovers: this will ensure that I have healthy things to eat for lunches and I won't be tempted to eat quick, highly-processed junk on the run.

I'll do this for the next 2 weeks and see how it goes. I hope Derek is on board with me for this!

What is being married like?

The question comes from my 16 (almost 17) year-old brother-in-law on the eve of his sister's wedding. Derek and I look at each other, unsure how to respond. What is being married like? There's no one word to describe the covenant between two people and God. It's like being with your best friend 24/7, which is awesome most of the time, and occasionally difficult. It really is like two people learning to be one...which is especially hard when you've been two people for so long. Being married is like no other relationship. It's not like having a roommate, or siblings, or even a best friend. It's like having an extension of yourself, who you're still getting to know, who you rely on completely and who completely relies on you. It's like having a leader and a partner and follower all at once...and in that respect, it's a lot like dancing.

Let's play with that analogy: being married is like dancing.

Sometimes (more often than not) the man leads, and if he knows what he's doing, the dance goes more smoothly. He can only lead well, however, if his partner follows well and trusts in his leadership. You can expect to have your toes stepped on from time to time, and every once in a while you'll get out of sync and have to rediscover your rhythm. But for the most part, the dance is way more fun than you could ever have on your own; it does, after all, take two to tango. The dance can be fast, slow, sexy, flirtatious, fun, mellow, even awkward...but only truly enjoyable with your partner. Which dance you do is sometimes dictated by the music, but not always: you can lindy to a foxtrot when the mood takes you, and that's part of the joy of it all.

I love dancing with my husband. He is my favorite person to dance with, now and forever. I hope we're still tearing it up after 60 years of marriage.

Engedi

It has been a while since I last posted (amazing how the months can fly by, yet seem to drag into eternity), and while I don't have much of an update, I do have a free afternoon with not a lot to do aside from posting narcissistically on our blog =)

So here I sit, in the shade in our BEAUTIFUL backyard, now that summer has finally arrived. Such is the joy of owning a laptop. The temperature hovers just below 80, and butterflies dance through the garden against a crayon-blue sky. This is what I have been longing for. Time, warmth, relaxation. Family, friends, and long days to spend laughing with them, until warm nights wrap us in happily exhausted sleep. A garden in which to grow green things, and an expanding belly in which to grow a daughter. A long to-do list that is, for once, riddled with fun and creative things. I love this sensation of peace.

I'm going to go sit in the hammock for a while and just stare at the bugs circling lazily in the shade of the mimosa tree.

Forced Sabbath

The food poisoning fairy has been by to visit the Hann house and has forced me to take a Sabbath. This is not a welcome Sabbath, as I was planning to take one anyway... and wasn't planning to take one that involved a night of vomiting and a morning with an IV in my arm. On the upside, we did get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time! On the downside, I am still super dizzy and have a hard time standing up. Sucks.

I can't remember the last time I was sick like this. I think this is the first time I have vomited since early high school...maybe even longer than that. The whole dizziness thing is the worst part since it puts me on forced bedrest and I can't drive anywhere. I'm hungry, but I'm on a clear liquids diet for 24 hours, then a BRAT diet for the 24 after that, and I'm worried I'm not getting enough calories in for baby. How do I get sufficient caloric intake off of gatorade and chicken broth? Ugh.

At least I don't have to miss work or use any of my sick days. Pray that I'll get better fast so I can get back into the swing of things...I had a lot of stuff planned for this week and not getting it done is not an option. Taxes and the like. Double ugh.

Pregnant!

Saturday, February 6th, I decided to take a Sabbath. But I couldn't rest easy, knowing that something hadn't started that should have. I decided to take a test. Is that a faint second line, confirming a positive?

Trying to interpret the results through a haze of oversleeping and excitement is never easy. Better go out to breakfast, go for a walk, drive to the local Walgreens, and buy another test.

It's hard to tell from the picture, but the second test's second line was a lot darker. Derek decided we'd better hit the clinic, which was closing in a half an hour, to be sure.

The nurse walked in to the examining room and told us our due date. Derek and I looked at each other as if to say, "so...that means we're pregnant?" Duh.

So we're pretty excited. We just hit the 6-week mark, so it's still early, but we're just going to keep praying over our little Doodlebug and asking God to let us steward His kiddo. Looking forward to being parents in October, God willing!

How to Grow a Human

Step 1: Rely on God's plan and timing...but, you know, go through the motions ;-)

Step 2: Start taking vitamins that you probably should have been taking anyway

Step 3: Obsess over every little pinch and pain in your abdomen until finally deciding that it's probably just constipation from the vitamins and you're not actually pregnant afterall

Step 4: Discover that you, in fact, ARE pregnant and begin to seriously doubt your powers of self-assessment.

Step 5: Eat EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

I'm at about step 5 right now. Except...for once in my life, I'm not the least bit interested in sweets. Derek's mom made what was probably a delicious pie, and cookies, and chocolate cake, but it all tasted like dust in my mouth. I'm officially broken. To top that off, I'm craving savory/salty things...this must be Derek's kid =)

Week 4

I'm going to have too much fun with this website:

My Baby

By two weeks after conception, the ball of cells implanted in the lining of your uterus has divided into two parts. One half will become the placenta, which nourishes your baby as she grows. The second half is the embryo itself. Around this time, nerve growth begins, as a sheet of cells folds backward to create the neural tube, or spinal column.

...and

Oh yeah. Praise to God for giving me and Derek a baby =) Due date is October 16, 2010. Found out this afternoon. WOOHOO!!

Praises

I praise you, God, for the beautiful mountains lit by morning sun, resembling crisp sheets of starched linen reflected in the still waters of the sound.

I praise you, God, for your commandment to Sabbath, to take the time to enjoy your Word and your Creation for all the glory contained therein.

I praise you, God, for giving us purpose in times of great need, and direction to best glorify you in our struggles.

I praise you, God, that my students raised more than $3,000 for Haiti and feel the joy that comes with God-given compassion.

I praise you, God, for the fullness of life that comes only from knowing you.

I praise you, God, for babies, and for all the joy and heartache in every story I hear.

I praise you, God, for endowing us with a desire to be creative as you are creative, and to enjoy created things as they pertain to your glory, not in and of themselves.

I praise you, God, for giving cats the ability to be warm, soft, and purring all at once.

I praise you, God, for giving me Derek; my favorite example of your love, mercy, and compassion.

I praise you, God, because I get to. That's the best thing of all.

A teachable spirit

One of my New Year's resolutions, and something I've been praying about, is to get to know God better and spend more time with Him. Request: GRANTED! Last night was the first night of our 15-week Perspectives course to prepare us for Missions, and it was really amazing. I admit, I walked in with fairly low expectations and a distinct lack of motivation, but the lesson was really incredible. I am so excited about the work God is doing in Mongolia and I admit, I am a little jealous of the joy the Mongolian church has for God. I often feel that joy, but I don't often express it...ours is not a church where you shout things and weep and dance in the aisles. We're too...Seattle-y. Sometimes I wish everyone would shout and clap and jump up and down, just a little, because ours is a God who is worthy of rejoicing. Lots and lots of rejoicing.

I learned a lot last night, and am busy soaking up and reviewing the new revelations about our amazing God. I have lots more, though...today I went to our church's Women's Training Day at the Shoreline campus and had an absolutely incredible day of training and fellowship with lots and lots of Mars Hill ladies. All the ladies from our community group were there (and fortunately, we didn't clump, but got to know some other ladies as well - yay!) so it will be fun to talk about what we learned when we meet on Monday. We read through James...wow. I learned a ton and was very convicted to pray more for the things that I know I can't (and CAN) do myself. Sometimes God gives us trials , but He gives us trials that we can handle when we lean on Him. Sometimes the trials are seasons of suffering, and sometimes the trials are to remove idols, like comfort (hadn't thought of that before), and sometimes the trials don't feel like trials because we're oh so comfortable in our sin. Point is, we should be praying with fervor and supplication all the time. I'll admit, I suck at this. But I know how important it is and what an amazing aspect of God's grace that we even get to have relationship with our Creator, so I'll pray that God would help me mature in my faith and improve. James says that if we ask for something that glorifies God, He will grant it. What an awesome thing.

I'm off to work on my homework for Perspectives, and I'm looking forward to what I'm going to learn about God as I work. Thank you, God, for reaching out to me. I'm glad you've got big, long monkey arms, cuz it's a long way down to where I'm at.

Resolutions

To be honest, I don't remember any of my resolutions from last year with one exception: eat more spicy foods. I did that, and it was delicious. This year, I'm going to write down my resolutions and pray about them, but I'll be happy if, by this time next year, I can remember just one. Here goes!

1. Spend more time with God. I really want to spend more time delving into the Word and learning more about the God who knows everything about me. I'm especially excited because I know that at least the beginning of this year will provide lots of structured opportunity for this: we have Community Group every Monday, Bible Study every Thursday, Perspectives on Fridays, and Church on Sundays. I like structure. And learning with people.

2. Have a baby. God willing, this could be an awesome resolution. Even if we don't have one this year, all the trying will be good for our marriage.

3. Spend less time at my job. I get paid from 7:00am until 2:30pm everyday, so staying until 4:30 on a regular basis isn't really all that good for me. I want to set a go-home time and actually stick to it. This will make me use my planning period more effectively, I hope. So, I hereby resolve to always go home by 3:30 every day and the only exception is if I have to set up for a sub.

4. Close out Dad's estate. This includes: closing out the IRA still held with Fidelity, filing tax returns, redeeming that tricky savings bond, emptying the bank accounts, and placing Dad's urn in the columbarium. It'll really feel good when that is all done. My list is so much shorter now than it used to be, and I'll be happy when there's nothing left to do but remember my dad for the great guy he was.

Four seems like a reasonable number to tackle. I'll stick with that.